All right, here we go.
When we leave this house at the end of the week, we will be married
I actually think it's better we're having the wedding at your
- parents'house and not their club. - I agree. The gazebo was so.
What's the word?
Not there anymore.
Hey, I'm sorry, but, you put a golf cart
at a club with a gazebo, and i think you're a sking for trouble.
All righty, what's on today's "weddule"?
Combination of schedule and wedding. A little timesaver I came up with.
Of course, if I have to talk about it as a timesaver, then
it's not much of a timesaver. I was gonna say schedding,
but then weddule seemed funnier. Anyway, you talk.
Well, the caterer is coming by at 3:00 for a tasting.
And my mom and I are doing the final alterations on the dress.
I think it's so cool that you're wearing your mom's dress.
Yeah.
- What was that? - Nothing.
I hate the dress.
That's not nothing.
I know, but she was so upset when sarah didn't wear it for her wedding,
so I promised her that I'd wear it at mine.
If I back out now, it would break her heart.
Okay, so you'd rather be secretly unhappy and resentful
at your own wedding than just tell your mom the truth?
- That's the clayton way. - This is your wedding.
You shouldn't have to wear a dress you hate.
I'll talk to her.
And then I can wear this amazing dress I put on hold at manassas bridal.
It took me 5 hours to pick out, and the sales lady couldn't have hated me more.
Well, you were at fantasy football.
You should give this to my dad.
Good idea.
Well, it appears we're no longer welcome at the club.
So we're having the wedding at the house instead.
Same date, same time.
Same groom.
Sorry about that. I thought maybe you were.
Wanted to play catch.
I thought I heard you two in here.
I was just planting the aisle for the wedding ceremony,
and I lined it with tulips.
The lining of your dress, silly. It's a little, tiny tulip print.
Right, of course. I love that.
Dear, you know the zip line you put up for scotty,
I need you to take that down. It's right over my tulip aisle.
- Few minutes. - Or sooner.
She seems edgy. I feel bad, dropping this wedding on her lap.
For once, it's not you.
My mother is coming.
- Hey, Sarah. - Oh, my god, you guys.
Three days to go. I can't wait. I'm so excited.
It's gonna be great.
I'm pretty sure that's not food.
Abby. Oh, my god, she's putting everything in her mouth.
Could you give her a bana or something?
Mom wants me to go pick up grandma at the train station.
Do you think you could watch Abby for an hour? Okay, good.
Melanie, this dress isn't going to alter itself.
Coming.
Sorry, there's something I have to do.
Sarah, I can watch her.
Or you could pick up grandma?
Yeah. Sure, I could do that.
Really? Okay, thank you. And good luck. She's a little bit of a handful.
I'm sure she's fine.
So this is exciting?
Yes. I grew up with a boy named Sam.
But he, he wasn't as handsome as you.
You've made my day, young lady.
- It's been quite a while for me. - Since you been to manassas?
No, since I've been with a man.
That's mine.
Okay, hey, everybody. Stop that.
Grandma's here.
- Who the hell is that? - Grandma June.
Honey, you got the wrong grandma.
-= 105 =- " The Ring "
Sub VO :
¤AkaZab¤
Team Subs-Addicts'
Okay, you're gonna carry this in and give the first cup of tea
to my real grandma.
She's the old lady whose name is June.
Nice. Peace offering. I need to start kissing some serious grandma ass.
Don't go overboard because if you're too nice to my grandma,
- my mom will not like it. - Right. Or, what? No.
- That's confusing. - It's about loyalty, Sam.
The key to survival is to stay neutral. Like switzerland.
- That's the clayton way. - Exactly.
So Angela spent the morning planting tulips.
I've always enjoyed gardening.
You mean you've always enjoyed having a gardener.
- All right. - All right, so here's some tea.
Thank god.
Grandma, Sam was just telling me
again how sorry he was about the train station mix-up.
Yes, I couldn't, you know.
- Won't happen again. - It should never have happened.
If someone had picked me up the way she was supposed to.
June, I pick you up all the time.
I just thought someone else might enjoy the experience.
So, grandma, we're so happy that you could make it to the wedding.
I never would have missed my favorite grandchild's marriage.
And that reminds me.
I have something to give you.
These belonged to my grandparents.
My grandfather, Joseph, worked
six months overtime so he could have these on his wedding day,
and I want you to have them on yours.
- Oh my... - Thank you.
That is, just.
Thank you. I mean, these are just beautiful... enough
to be right in there.
Well, I think I'll go upstairs and get settled.
Why don't you come up for a chat later on?
I want to get to know the boy who stole my Melanie's heart.
Yes, definitely, I would love that.
It's the room all the way at the end of the hallway.
If she could, she'd put me out in the yard.
So that June? What a character.
I'm gonna tell you something right now, and if you mention it to anyone else,
i'm gonna deny it because of my reputation as a lady.
I hate that woman.
And when you go upstairs and you talk to her, she's gonna fill your head
with lies about me, and you know why? Because she's a foul-mouthed,
old son of a bitch whose only purpose on this planet
is to make my life a living hell.
Hey, there you are. Let's go finish that dress?
Okay.
The dress.
I know, I know, you're gonna say just tell her, but did you see her face
when I took the rings? I have to wear it now.
I hate it, Sam.
I have dreams about it being torn apart by wolves.
Vicious wolves.
Coming.
Come in.
Look at this. She puts bars of Rose-scented soap in every drawer.
My sweaters are gonna smell like a bunch of cheap hookers.
Yeah, she does that for me too. I Kinda like it, though.
Not that I'm into cheap hookers.
- You like expensive hookers? - Yeah, how did we get onto hookers?
Tell me. What do you think of Angela?
I was not expecting that question next.
- She's great, er. - You can tell me.
- She's a tight-ass. - I...
yes. You're right. He's a little conservative.
- A little! - A lot-tle.
I like you, Sam.
I always hoped Melanie would end up with somebody who was interesting,
and I love the way you stir the pot around here.
I bet it makes Angela crazy.
Well, that's not my intention.
- Why don't you get me a drink? - Definitely.
- You want a little glass of wine? - Do I look like a glass of wine?
Scotch. Up.
Should have known.
All right, here you go.
One Scotch-a-roony.
And you let me know if you need anything else, okay?
- I need you to leave that bottle. - My bad.
There you go. I get it. Long train ride.
- Wanna rehydrate. - Cheers.
Sam, I forgot to tell you.
Evelyn, that Cater, called. She needs directions from the city.
- Could you be a dear, call her back? - Yeah, sure.
Okay, and how did your little chat go with June?
It was fine. Your you know, normal chat stuff.
Come on, Sam. I've known that woman too long to believe that.
Come on, there had to be a little sort of.
Yeah, you know, she was a little, you know, grr.
- Come on. You can do better than that. - Okay.
You're right, I mean, maybe, you know, maybe it was more like, you know...
That's her! That's her!
Wait, wait, I got a million of 'em. I used to scare the hell...
I was practicing my dinosaur.
Don't let me interrupt.
Okay, Evelyn, hi. So you're gonna wanna get on the beltway,
and know where the beltway is?
Okay.
Do you live here?
Yeah, get a map. I'll hold.
Sam, could you do me a favor and keep an eye on her?
I'm dying to see Mel in that awful dress.
- Should I Just play with her. - Okay.
Hi, Abby.
What you doing? Look at all
Look at all your neat little toys here. What's this guy do? No, okay.
Here we go.
Ribbit.
Ribbit. Yeah? Ribbit.
I am good with kids. Look at that. No, shiny. Shiny shines.
Yeah. Hey, I'm here, Evelyn.
Okay. You don't have the beltway on your map.
You know what, we have your card. I will email you.
Okay.
All right. Bye.
Do-do. What you got there? No, no, no.
Nope.
All right.
You did not just eat that ring.
Oh, my god.
Hey, it's Sam Briggs.
Blast from the... From freshman dorm, yeah, hey.
Oh, my god, I know. What up, bro?
Hey, you're a pediatrician, right?
That's great.
You, I have a situation here that you might actually help me with.
I have a little niece, and she.
She swallowed a wedding ring.
And she's one years old, and
Really? Just like, awesome. Thank god.
Hey, there.
What are you guys up to? It's actually kind of curious.
Probably seem kind of clueless it comes to babies, but I really do wanna know,
you know, what goes on for when our baby comes.
Sam, that is very sweet. Okay, well, let's see. Where should
- we begin? - Diapers.
The diapers. Let's start at the beginning. Or at the end.
Okay, well, I just changed her,
but how about the next time she's wet, i'll let you know.
Love that, but I'm actually kind of more interested in, you know
Let's get down and dirty. The real stuff. The bad stuff.
- Poo? - Yeah, poo.
Okay, well,
I guess the next time she's dirty, i'll let you know.
You know, then kind working backwards digestively-speaking, what does she eat?
Well, she likes sweet potatoes,
and we're real big on applesauce.
You know, she's actually due for her lunch.
- Do you wanna feed her? - Prunes.
- Love to. - Okay.
You wanna have lunch with uncle Sam?
All righty. No?
One for uncle Sam there.
Is she giving you a hard time?
It is like trying to feed a really smart, drunk monkey.
I don't know what to do.
How about you? Having a nice visit with your mom?
It's a joy to me.
Every time she and Angela get together and
- turn into a couple of - Crazy-ass bitches.
Er, what were you gonna say?
That's about right.
Have you ever tried to, you know, just get them to talk about it?
God, no.
My mother is like a tornado.
She can't be stopped. She can't be reasoned with.
Your only hope is to take cover and
pray that she doesn't twist your head off as she goes by.
And never give the tornado booze.
That last part, why's that?
My mother drunk
makes a real tornado look like a calm spring day.
Hey, you wanna watch the baby real quick for me? Thanks.
Honey, what are you doing? I'm not allowed to see you like that.
Sam, I don't care. It's awful.
It's like an itchy, stinky poofy prison.
So you ruin lots of things.
Maybe you could ruin this dress.
Ruin it.
Yeah, no.
- Sorry, hon. - Yeah.
Hey, I wanna get the rings. I wanna put them somewhere safe.
Safe with me.
You picked up the wrong grandma.
I think maybe I should hold onto the rings.
- I'm serious. - This is the man's job.
Hey, you can't see her in that. It's all you need. More bad luck?
That's actually a good point.
Angela, what did you do with that gosh-darn veil?
It's strange.
It's like the veil just stood up and walked right out of here.
Gee.
- Check behind the chair. - Okay.
- I think I found it. - Tiger!
What? What do you m...
Hey, how's it going with grandma?
Not bad. Mel got her in the shower.
She spent about an hour in there, sing the Andrews sisters'greatest hits.
- And then at the end there, a little... - Kool & the gang.
Yeah, you know, she's a big fan. You know what, I tried to find you.
Abby needed to be changed about 20 minutes ago. And it was a beauty.
Where is it now?
Okay, that's a pretty strange question.
I mean, where. What do you guys do with them? When they're beauties?
We just put'em in the outside garbage.
Perfect.
- Tell me about your sandwich. - it's a Okay.
Wait, sorry. Excuse me. Mr. Garbage man.
I just need to. Sorry about that.
'Cause you're very full-shouldered from behind...
- Barbara. - What do you want?
I just accidentally threw something out I need to look for.
Sorry. Once it's in the can, it belongs to the man.
Okay, I'll just grab that real.
I'm so sure. Are you serious?
Give me. Give me that.
Just let me look at.
Fine. You like garbage, do ya?
Well, you can have it. You can have all the trash!
Raccoons got all in the garbage and
just messed it all up. I'll get it.
Leave it, honey. The caterer's here.
Of course the caterer's here. Are you sure?
Hey.
It all looks so delicious.
What is that smell?
What's that, Mel?
I'm not getting it.
I am.
Okay, yeah. That's what it is.
There something definitely seems to be off with this food.
See, that could be a problem.
Surprise, surprise. Angela isn't happy about something.
- June, not now. - Mom,
why don't you just go back and lay down?
I can't. That awful embroidery she put on the sheets makes me crazy.
I went to a lot of trouble making up that room for you.
I'm only teasing, Angela.
If she were any more delicate, she'd be made of porcelain.
You knew I was joking, right, Sam?
Actually, I can see how she might have taken it in a different way.
And what way is that?
You know, I don't think it was very nice.
Thank you, Sam.
Well, I wonder then why it was so nice to give you my rings.
- I want them back. - Grandma.
Melanie, please.
I want my rings back.
- And what is that god-awful smell? - Okay, wait.
This has got to stop.
You people, you don't talk about what's bothering you.
This thing has probably been going for years, and you don't
- even know how it started. - I know exactly how it started.
It was my wedding. She got plastered.
And she sang a horribly vulgar version of rum and coca-cola,
and for the grand finale, she sat on my uncle Gerald's lap
and she assaulted him with her bosoms.
Gerald didn't exactly push me off.
You just couldn't take that it was my night
and I was getting all the attention.
I wasn't trying to steal your thunder.
I was very happy.
And when I'm happy, I tend to drink.
- You were happy? - Well, why wouldn't I be?
My son was marrying the woman he loved.
I thought that you were lovely.
Well, I wished i'd known that.
Well,
now you do.
Well, now you do.
Now you do.
Guys...
Now doesn't that feel better to get that kind of stuff out in the open?
It actually does.
Thank you, Sam.
I have an idea.
Let's go upstairs and look at Melanie in your dress.
In my dress and with your rings. Okay.
Please, lord.
I know you're busy with war and famine
and stuff but if you could take a little bit of time out of your day
to put a ring in this poop,
i'd really appreciate it.
Wait till you see it.
You will, as soon as you see it. It's so.
- When you see her in this dress. - Diaper!
Right behind the door.
- I was gonna jump out. - Oh, my god, what is that on my dress?
That's a diaper full of poop.
It's okay. It can be cleaned. We're...
You ruined it! You have ruined my dress.
Angela, I'm really.
Thank you.
Honey.
I love you.
Team Subs-Addicts'